Tuesday, October 29, 2013

The Day I Arrived


On August 25th I had a major realization that shook up my world. I recorded it in a note to myself back then as it was way too raw to share with anyone at that time. So for the last two months I have been deliberately and purposefully mulling over it and observing how things would look like a few months down the road.

So here it is, this is me.

Oh, and please spare me the religious BS that some might be tempted to preach at me; I don't want to hear it. However, if you do have a genuine thought or personal experience you want to share, by all means please do, but do so privately at eigenheerc at hot mail dot com.

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August 26th, 2013

Yesterday was the day I realized that I had “arrived”. I looked at my life, my family, my house, my job, my place in society and saw that I had everything I had ever wanted. I realized that I was everything I ever wanted to be. And yet, I didn’t feel any different, or any better for that matter. If anything, I felt a sense of loss as the questions of purpose and existence relentlessly assaulted my mind.

Here I was, a husband to my beautiful wife, father of two healthy children, established at my place of work and in my church. Nothing was lacking, in fact, I was better off than many people I know, better than I thought I’d ever be: great income, great benefits and a great position at my church, a wonderful family, amazing in-laws and a house that I could have only dreamed of 10 years ago.

I opened the Book of Ecclesiastes and read the first two chapters with utter astonishment because it perfectly echoed my life and the way I felt about it. I had everything I wanted and yet, it all didn’t matter. I could go out and buy anything I wanted to if I wanted to but why didn’t I feel on top of the world like I imagined I would? Why didn’t “arriving” bring the satisfaction I thought it would bring?

So here I am, asking: What now? Where do I go from here? What’s my purpose? What’s the reason for my existence? Why should I go on? What should I do? Who really am I?

I guess that’s the biggest question of them all: Who am I? A few generations after I’m gone no one will remember me. No one will think of me or what I’ve accomplished. Is my life really only significant for a few decades? A hundred years? That seems so pointless, so insignificant.

Sure, we affect the people around us. Sure, I am loved. Sure, I have an impact in today’s society and on the people I come in contact with. But what does that matter? It really doesn’t. Or does it? Here I am plugging away at an 8-4 job, doing what people do: going to work in the morning, coming home at night, paying bills, going to bed. All of this times 5 then the weekend and it all gets repeated again from the beginning.

What a stupid, pointless existence. I see people striving for what I have. I see them sacrifice their health, their friends, their peace, even their souls to hopefully, some day achieve a level of financial, social, familial “success” not unlike the one I currently experience. But what for? Once they get “there”, will they be free? Happy? Satisfied? Fulfilled? Significant? I doubt it.

So what then is the essence of this life? What is the true and pure purpose for my existence? I know that I have the hope of eternal life through Jesus, but how does that change my today? Does it? If not, shouldn’t it? I don’t know. Or maybe I do. I think it should. Should it?

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

I am proud of you for being real and showing a side of you that others may not see. its easy to look put together and play the I have it all together game. what's wrong with simply asking questions? or better yet, show others how you really feel. we look around and think others have it all, when in reality I bet a lot of ppl feel the same way you but don't want to expose it...

I've discovered that the churchy answers are not what you are looking for during times like this. anyone can open a bible and quote. that's easy! being real is freeing and liberating.

I am ubber proud of you and cant wait to see whats next on your to do list!

m

Sir Rudiger said...

Hi Chris

I love you brother! Not the post I was expecting and yet so welcome. THIS is a puzzle that is not so easy to solve. I'm hoping that I can say something that is TRUE without it being CHURCHY (as those two things don't overlap as often as I would wish). I think that the deep ache you feel is God reminding you that you are a stranger and an alien in this world. Your true place of satisfaction is not here, it is yet to come.

In the meantime, feeling like this sucks! Here's a thought I just had: it is a very uncomfortable place to be, when you feel richly blessed but not fulfilled...

Love you
Rudy

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