The Day I Arrived

On August 25th I had a major realization that shook up my world. I recorded it in a note to myself back then as it was way too raw to share with anyone at that time. So for the last two months I have been deliberately and purposefully mulling over it and observing how things would look like a few months down the road.

So here it is, this is me.

Oh, and please spare me the religious BS that some might be tempted to preach at me; I don't want to hear it. However, if you do have a genuine thought or personal experience you want to share, by all means please do, but do so privately at eigenheerc at hot mail dot com.

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August 26th, 2013

Yesterday was the day I realized that I had “arrived”. I looked at my life, my family, my house, my job, my place in society and saw that I had everything I had ever wanted. I realized that I was everything I ever wanted to be. And yet, I didn’t feel any different, or any better for that matter. If anything, I felt a sense of loss as the questions of purpose and existence relentlessly assaulted my mind.

Here I was, a husband to my beautiful wife, father of two healthy children, established at my place of work and in my church. Nothing was lacking, in fact, I was better off than many people I know, better than I thought I’d ever be: great income, great benefits and a great position at my church, a wonderful family, amazing in-laws and a house that I could have only dreamed of 10 years ago.

I opened the Book of Ecclesiastes and read the first two chapters with utter astonishment because it perfectly echoed my life and the way I felt about it. I had everything I wanted and yet, it all didn’t matter. I could go out and buy anything I wanted to if I wanted to but why didn’t I feel on top of the world like I imagined I would? Why didn’t “arriving” bring the satisfaction I thought it would bring?

So here I am, asking: What now? Where do I go from here? What’s my purpose? What’s the reason for my existence? Why should I go on? What should I do? Who really am I?

I guess that’s the biggest question of them all: Who am I? A few generations after I’m gone no one will remember me. No one will think of me or what I’ve accomplished. Is my life really only significant for a few decades? A hundred years? That seems so pointless, so insignificant.

Sure, we affect the people around us. Sure, I am loved. Sure, I have an impact in today’s society and on the people I come in contact with. But what does that matter? It really doesn’t. Or does it? Here I am plugging away at an 8-4 job, doing what people do: going to work in the morning, coming home at night, paying bills, going to bed. All of this times 5 then the weekend and it all gets repeated again from the beginning.

What a stupid, pointless existence. I see people striving for what I have. I see them sacrifice their health, their friends, their peace, even their souls to hopefully, some day achieve a level of financial, social, familial “success” not unlike the one I currently experience. But what for? Once they get “there”, will they be free? Happy? Satisfied? Fulfilled? Significant? I doubt it.

So what then is the essence of this life? What is the true and pure purpose for my existence? I know that I have the hope of eternal life through Jesus, but how does that change my today? Does it? If not, shouldn’t it? I don’t know. Or maybe I do. I think it should. Should it?