On August 25th I had a major realization that shook up my world. I recorded it in a note to myself back then as it was way too raw to share with anyone at that time. So for the last two months I have been deliberately and purposefully mulling over it and observing how things would look like a few months down the road.
So here it is, this is me.
Oh, and please spare me the religious BS that some might be
tempted to preach at me; I don't want to hear it. However, if you do have a genuine thought or personal
experience you want to share, by all means please do, but do so privately at
eigenheerc at hot mail dot com.
*************************************************
August 26th, 2013
Yesterday was the day I realized that I had “arrived”. I
looked at my life, my family, my house, my job, my place in society and saw
that I had everything I had ever wanted. I realized that I was everything I
ever wanted to be. And yet, I didn’t feel any different, or any better for that
matter. If anything, I felt a sense of loss as the questions of purpose and
existence relentlessly assaulted my mind.
Here I was, a husband to my beautiful wife, father of two
healthy children, established at my place of work and in my church. Nothing was
lacking, in fact, I was better off than many people I know, better than I
thought I’d ever be: great income, great benefits and a great position at my
church, a wonderful family, amazing in-laws and a house that I could have only
dreamed of 10 years ago.
I opened the Book of Ecclesiastes and read the first two
chapters with utter astonishment because it perfectly echoed my life and the
way I felt about it. I had everything I wanted and yet, it all didn’t matter. I
could go out and buy anything I wanted to if I wanted to but why didn’t I feel
on top of the world like I imagined I would? Why didn’t “arriving” bring the
satisfaction I thought it would bring?
So here I am, asking: What now? Where do I go from here?
What’s my purpose? What’s the reason for my existence? Why should I go on? What
should I do? Who really am I?
I guess that’s the biggest question of them all: Who am I? A
few generations after I’m gone no one will remember me. No one will think of me
or what I’ve accomplished. Is my life really only significant for a few
decades? A hundred years? That seems so pointless, so insignificant.
Sure, we affect the people around us. Sure, I am loved. Sure,
I have an impact in today’s society and on the people I come in contact with.
But what does that matter? It really doesn’t. Or does it? Here I am plugging
away at an 8-4 job, doing what people do: going to work in the morning, coming
home at night, paying bills, going to bed. All of this times 5 then the weekend
and it all gets repeated again from the beginning.
What a stupid, pointless existence. I see people striving
for what I have. I see them sacrifice their health, their friends, their peace,
even their souls to hopefully, some day achieve a level of financial, social,
familial “success” not unlike the one I currently experience. But what for?
Once they get “there”, will they be free? Happy? Satisfied? Fulfilled?
Significant? I doubt it.
So what then is the essence of this life? What is the true
and pure purpose for my existence? I know that I have the hope of eternal life
through Jesus, but how does that change my today? Does it? If not, shouldn’t
it? I don’t know. Or maybe I do. I think it should. Should it?
